I've been thinking a lot about a post I'd found noodling around the internet, the words resonating and plucking a distant chord. It reminded me of our last date night in New Jersey, sitting in the Mexican restaurant we tried to convince ourselves was decent, exclaiming over the joy that we'd soon be in CA enjoying real Mexican food. That evening Mremarked that moving west was a good move for our little family and he thought it was going to be especially good for me. He said he thought I'd lost a part of myself living in New Jersey and I agreed. Now, a year later, I'm more like the Kristen I know and with hindsight, I see how far away I really was.
Funny how that is. My acupuncture practice thrived in New Jersey. We had a house that we remodeled into a home that we loved. Miss A had a great school and friends, M and I had a network of friends ourselves that we really enjoyed spending time with. We had a good life, but ultimately, it didn't suit us.
After a year here in Los Angeles, I've come back to myself. In theory I'm alone more than I was back east. Maybe it's the combination of being back where I grew up, the comfort of navigating a city that I know like the back of my hand.
But it's more than that. It's having an accessible urban environment that isn't a trip on a train or bus, over a river, (and through the woods), with train schedules and platforms to negotiate. It's about liberating my introverted self when I need to explore and expand.
It's about connecting with myself after years of looking the other way. Conforming to ideals that didn't fit, but trying nevertheless to make it so because it felt like it should be.
What I've learned is that when I start saying 'should' too often, it's time to remind myself of my options.