tenacity as a super power

This morning I was listening to an interview with Sally Mann and she described herself as 'tenacious' instead of 'talented'. She believes that talent comes from tenacity and then she said she often shoots the same shot 4 and five times.

And it was sort of liberating. 

If you know me you know I have a box full of polaroid re-shoots, duds and outtakes. Because of that box,  I've tried to maintain a made-up, self-imposed rule whilst shooting: take one shot and walk away. Most times, the first one is the best, I made the rule because that box exists.

Now I think that box holds my tools. All of the light leaks and half exposed images...it's how I've taught myself photography. The learning process, even as the film stash dwindles, is valuable and momentum. Hoarding and having such steadfast rules about the way i shoot makes the whole process too precious. 

today, we escape. we escape.

It has been crickets around here lately.

What can I say when life continues to offer heavy shit in a hand basket and I'm experiencing an extreme lack of inspiration.

I know this much is true: when I'm feeling like my tongue is forked and full of fire, it's best for me to keep such choice thoughts and words to myself.

i am, no. 2

I am waiting to begin a four month stint that will yield different results. 

I come from a dark and twisty place full of self-loathing and worry. The past five months have been rough.

I see the light. I've stepped out of darkness and I'm walking towards forgiveness.

I love my life. Truly, I am blessed and grateful and recognize the joy that surrounds me.

I trust that I am strong enough to face my fears.

I believe in myself. Because when I haven't, the inevitable spiral downward that goes with embracing the cup half empty just sucks. I remember a previous me, when I didn't question whether my dreams would be fulfilled, I knew they would and worked towards making that my reality. Slowly, insidiously, the negative has permeated and persevered and now that I'm aware of it, I'm working hard towards changing it.

I find myself in a better place than I was just a month ago, despite the continued shit storm that surrounds me. I find myself missing the happiness project, missing the focus on the good and happy in my life. Because the parallel universe that always exists in the crap, reveals the beauty of this life and I want to actively acknowledge that with a new (to me) project that came to me this morning.

I wonder about the course this year will take. And then I remember to breathe.

I call in, (and upon), my imagination to inspire and carry me through those moments when I've been at my lowest. Knowing my creativity can often be sparked when I'm at my most introspective, diligently carrying a notebook and pen for jotting my thoughts down.

I found out who's on my team and who isn't. When the chips are down, you learn a lot about yourself; who stands shoulder to shoulder with you and who has walked the other way. Inevitably there will be loss, but I've come to accept that our paths will lead us where we need to go. That relationships aren't always forever and that there will be people who come into my life for periods of time. Sometimes it's a for a life time. Mostly there's a duration that will run its course and rather than mourn what has passed, I'm learning to embrace the gifts that remain.

directional

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It's interesting, this dance of simultaneous worlds that circle me. There's so much that's lovely - there are any number of moments in a day that find me happy, but mixed along side, has been a lot of stress and worry and everything else that goes along with these powerful emotions.  

I'm working hard on consistency, trying hard to not see it as monotony, while juggling a seemingly continual stream of the blues. It's different here in California than it was in New Jersey. Back East I felt isolated and lonely. Here, I'm in familiar territory: home. Or what I refer to as home which really means where I grew up. 

From March 2010 until Friday, March 11th of this year, I'd put everything on hold. Everything. I still packed my family and we moved across the country. But my own personal shit, I put all of that on hold for an entire year. A year that I filled with expectations and assumptions and a whole host of other crap that amounts to malarkey. Despite hearing news that I didn't want to hear that Friday afternoon, (although I wasn't surprised when it came), it was a relief because it was done. The year of rumination, (aka the year of torturing myself), was done.

A clean slate.

I'm not making any declarations because when I get declarative, the descent of talking myself out of good ideas/decisions begins. I'm truly my own worst enemy and instead of telling myself what I should and will be doing, I'm setting guidelines; baby-stepping lists that allow me to set up a schedule without freaking myself right out. A schedule that knows my limitations. I might think I can do a lot of things, (there's that competitive streak I was talking about), but I've also been around this block and I'm aware of what went wrong.

These necessary steps don't rule out fun. Been there, done that, have the shirt, (it shrunk by the way), and now I have the opportunity to try something new. To show myself that I'm not defined by the negative labels that I hurl my way.

Once I cut myself a break, my path becomes open and clear.