perspective

Big plans were made as I packed my suitcase three weeks ago. I was going to exercise regularly, making use of this insomnia that has become all too familiar and not at all comfortable.

But I've been too tired. Not physically, and not in a sleepy sort of way. Weary is more the word. Weary and worn and so fragile, there's a brittle quality that is so intertwined it feels fused.

Besides everything else that has been going on, I didn't even mention that we're selling our house in New Jersey. Imagine that everything else is so intense in life, that trying to sell your house in a down market, 3000 miles away becomes the easy thing on your agenda. My M has been amazing - orchestrating all that needs to be done with getting our house sold, single parenting and working full-time. He has so much on his shoulders and he still has been an amazing support for me. We've had a lot of shit go down in our fifteen years together; when the shit hits the fan, we know that we've got one another and that is huge.

Speaking of back east, we've booked tickets for a week in NYC mid- August. This vacation, (while very much needed), was also the deciding factor for me in making that decision I mentioned in my last post. I'm still digesting all of that, but also know in my heart of hearts, that I need to take care of myself this summer, stat. After all of this, the fine line I'm walking is my opportunity to listen to my body instead of pushing through as I normally would do.

Today I'm leaving Madelyn's beautiful cottage by the sea, my respite for the past four days. I've been able to insulate myself and take care so that I could recharge and face my last few days here. There are still affairs to get into place for my sister, furniture to be donated and tomorrow, I'm getting my final tattoo.

That's what's happening in my world, please do share with me what's happening in yours.

i am :: no. 3

I am so far removed from my daily routine, I don't have one any longer.

I come from a place of weary exhaustion; tired inside and out.

I see that there was only one solution to my August plan and I've mostly made peace with that decision.

I love that the decision I speak of above was decided based on whether I'd be joining M and A on a week long vacation to NYC. Staying with my August plan would have meant staying home. Making the decision finally, was a no brainer.

I trust that I can get through this.

I believe in speaking my truth and knowing when the time is right so that I'm certain to be heard.

I find myself listening to my intuition and trusting myself. The hedging around decision-making, the waffling stalemate I found myself in at the beginning of the year is over.

I wonder about what comes next. And I wonder if my sister will be able to give me the sign we talked about. I really hope so.

I call in all the forces and powers that be, to help me get through what I believe is just the beginning. 

I found out that I'm stronger and much more resilient than I ever imagined. All of my experiences in this life got me to this point so I could handle and accomplish what I've done here in Vancouver these past weeks.  I'm proud of myself and I'm acutely aware of the need to relax and take good care of myself once I return, (yay, next Thursday!!). I've been operating at such a jacked level, I truly have nothing left.

when all else fails..

I've had a lot of heavy in my world these past few months and I've been away from home for so long now, when I speak to my girl on the phone in the evening, my day-to-day life doesn't seem to belong to me anymore.  I'm packing and then I'm packing some more; my sister's life reduced to boxes and good homes and it's all so fucking surreal, I don't know which way to turn.

Wreck Beach, (the nudie beach here in Vancouver), was deserted early Sunday morning as Vivienne and I hiked our way down to the sea. I had to take a photo of this sign,

and then noted that the stairs to that point were quite far. As a fan of Seinfeld, and in particular the episode of good naked/bad naked, the whole visual of a naked man hiking back up after a long day at the beach gave me a chuckle.

I'd been thinking of a double exposure for the beach, but the combination of a washed out grey sky and my white tank top, rendered the images flat. Obviously I needed to shoot digitally...the combination of frustration with my white tank and being really comfortable with Viv, I decided to shoot my selfies topless.

And I'm here to tell you it was liberating. I was at the beach with my top off and I was free of everything for a few moments. 

So I jumped.

get out of jail free

I was reading my last couple of posts and thinking, "wow, aren't you full of shit?" Ok, maybe not completely full of it, but the pretty way I wrote about my feelings surrounding my sister dying makes it seem like I'm holding it all together and look, here's a pretty photo too!

Or maybe you really do see through the cracks, realizing that I'm broken and devastated and my body is now manifesting all that I'm holding in as I try to process that my baby sister is going to die.

I'm having panic attacks that frighten me because they are far more intense than the usual; my tears the only release from chest pains and shallow breathing light-headedness.

Thank god for good friends who save me, who let me be and don't fill the quiet space with chatter about how I'm feeling or what do I need. Chances are, I need to tell that person to fuck right off and leave me alone and thankfully my dear hearts can take the laser tongued barbs that strike now and again, loving me, granting me that get out of jail card that I so desperately need.

That's what it's about. The get out of jail card. The forgiveness and compassion that comes when someone is having a rough time in life. When the chips are really down, that's when all that other shit shouldn't and doesn't matter.

This life that I'm living, one that soon has me living without my sister, is detailed in a hyper-kinetic way, that truly displays one of my favorite sayings, "it is what it is".

Sometimes I don't know who I am any more, this girl moving through the motions, driving around an unfamiliar city that is now becoming a place I know, albeit under the worst circumstances. I notice the beauty surrounding me here in Vancouver, I eat delicious food and I enjoy the time I have when I'm not packing, or thinking about packing, or walking into the hospital and trying to aquaint myself with that hospital smell I've come to despise.

I visit my sister and I mourn. I grasp the jeweled moments of lucidity that come in phases of drug cycles and sleep. I force myself to stay in the room when the dressings are changed; realizing that she doesn't want to be in that situation, that me leaving because I'm a pussy when it comes to smells, isn't supportive. I learn to put aside myself for my sister; giving her what I can, (because I really can't help her at all), and trying to absorb as much time as I can, while I can, trying to remember to take care of myself so that I can continue.

finding myself

It's been a week, (and what seems like a lifetime), since I've written and there are no words to convey the raw beauty of life and the honor that comes with bearing witness as my sister prepares for the journey from this life to whatever is next.

My little family flew up to Vancouver for a long weekend to say goodbye. It did my heart so good to have them here; to be able to breathe in the scent of my beana, to have my M to lean on in my worst moments. Their visit giving me the strength to continue forward with momentum; understanding that my desire to garner control over something, anything, shall pass.

Because the one thing I know to be true: I have no control. I can't say how it's going to be, or how I'm going to feel, even on a day to day basis. Life is surreal and technicolored and I look forward to spontaneous visits to the hospital, a cherished hour alone with my sister.

Today, an early morning breakfast with a dear heart and too many cups of caffeinated beverages. And then, breakfast at a sweet cafe, arriving just as it opened. My breakfast simple and delicious: poached eggs and gluten-free bread with the slightest hint of cinnamon. Ah-mazing.

In between the tasks and the moments when I'm certain I will break, I stop and breathe, finding myself again and again behind the lens; seeking to make my world normal when it's anything but.

taking flight

I'm flying back to Vancouver tomorrow, my return flight booked for July 3rd. My eyes well as I type this, I hate to be gone from M and A for so long, but this is what I need to do. The good news is that staying until July 3rd means that my sister is rallying and my little family will fly up to BC once miss A is finished with the school year as planned. 

I have specific tasks this time, tasks that leave me with a heavier heart if that's even possible. Much of this trip will be flying by the seat of my pants, unplanned and way outside of my comfort zone.

I woke up this morning before the birds; my brain set to 'hit the ground running' even before my eyes were opened, as I plan what to bring, what do I need to take care of from here, so I can be gone for the next month seamlessly. I'm as fragile as I've ever been and yet my heart and soul are girdled by a gilded cage made of the finest steel.

I can do this. Because of good friends in Vancouver that will support me and the beauty of serendipity that has D and Dpassing through Van-town on their way back home, certain to catch me if I fall.

blurred

The lines become blurred when grief is present. I don't know what I expected, but this isn't it. I don't mean to imply that its been a shit storm, (although it definitely has), but simply, the circling, the blurry bubble that surrounds and protects each of us as we learn to accept what is, is absolutely fascinating.

Also captivating my awareness is the third person reality that I operate in. Under a microscope, I'm also the observer. Watching my actions, listening to my words and wondering where I'm finding this strength, wondering, who the fuck am I now? And being very certain and clear on exactly who I am right now.

I am the girl that walks that fine line, precarious and precious. I am the person I am right now, today, because I am who I've always meant to be, as though I've lived my experiences so that my life these days can be lived without falling apart.