life.live.love

Sometimes I feel like I'll never learn. I find myself questioning my judgement, my choices when I'm faced with familiar mistakes.

How did I end up here again? And then I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way? 

I understand the language of solitude as I navigate its comforting corridors. It's when I try to push myself outside of my insulated world, (and comfort zone), that it becomes confusing. 

I've worn my heart on my sleeve this year, my insight and intuition forsaken in favor of getting outside of my head in an effort to connect. 

I've made excuses and negated my feelings, dismissing truths to rewrite the story in a favorable light, because too much disappointment can beat a girl down. 

This year has kicked me to the curb with humility and buoyed me when I needed it most. And while I've repeated a few mistakes, (I'm loyal to a fault), I've also faced those mistakes with clarity and honesty and come to this last day of 2011 knowing that love really is the answer and love is all I need. 

idioms

Sometimes we connect and there will be other times when it just won't click. Even if you want it, try for it, dream it, sometimes 'it was it is' and the outcome was never part of the original equation.  

I wonder about 'everything happens for a reason' because it's very hard to wrap my head around that notion when terrible things occur. 

I think about my own self, the people that have come and gone, the tenuous relationships that falter before they ever began and I wonder what I'll take from each encounter; wondering if I'll ever know and fairly certain that I don't have the energy, (or inclination), to find out. 

I'm weary and kinetic. Prickly and thin-skinned, comfortable in my solitude. I'm clearing space in every aspect of life like a whirling dervish, my anticipation palpable. 

I am the glow of ordinary things shining from a bell jar, certain in my uncertainty.

each time dawn appears

This week we have a full house. My neice has opted to sleep on the sofa because the awkward age of thirteen means no more bed-sharing with her cousin. (My kid is perfectly fine to have her bed all to herself, such an only child!)

The way our home is configured, there is no where else to go when the living room/dining room/kitchen are occupied, so the past few mornings have found me on the beach as dawn breaks. The sky is streaked with a hot pink that glows translucent and shimmers like mist as dark green waves crash on the shore. A hot coffee in hand, the chill of the sand seeps through my canvas slip-ons. I sit on top of my purse because I always seem to forget to bring the necessities when I go to the beach in the early morning and a lot of the time I'm dressed all wrong.

Sitting on the beach on a quiet winter morning is nothing short of amazing. A bit dramatic, but my feelings are such that I find myself enchanted and awe-struck and complete.

Today my cameras  and iPod were tucked in our bedroom where M was fast asleep. I hesitated, and then left the house knowing that sometimes my eyes and the experience is enough. 

grow

 

(of a living thing) undergo natural development by increasing in size and changing physically; progress to maturity

As it always plays out, I never imagine all that will transpire when I sit in my home each December choosing my word, (and intention), for the coming year.  

I prefer not to declare my word, instead I like to hold it close to the vest; protecting my little power source in its foundling stages. In all honesty, I wasn't even that attached to the word grow last year. Obviously, growth is always good, but the truth is that I liked grow with my previous word, blossom. 

My truth surrounding growth this year has been profound. Simply, I've learned to see the shades of gray.

Life isn't this or that. Cynicism is insidious and wears me down. People make mistakes and they can be forgiven. Grudges and holding onto hurt and anger is precious time wasted. Because time will pass and all I have is right now. 

I'm exhausted with the tedium of the internal recording of misgivings and mistakes. I need my world to be a place where absolutes and judgement are dlluted.

Ultimately, I am who I am and there is only so much optimism I can embrace. I've grown to accept that the light cannot exist without darkness. Each has its purpose and running in fear from the dark means that I miss out on what I desire.

i am

 

I am not as strong as you think I am. 

I come from a place of justification, a way of hiding behind my feelings. 

I see that this behavior is really just an excuse, which I'm very good at making. Also avoidance. I'm quite skilled there too.

I love that each day is a new one full of choices and opportunities. Each day is what I make of it, plain and simple.

I trust everyone, until I don't. 

I believe that my cynicism has become the dead horse I've beaten to a pulp. It's tedious and boring and dead weight disguised as a life preserver.

I find Los Angeles so inspiring!

I wonder about too many things that I will never know the answer to.

I call in my big girl pants so I can get the fuck over it. 

I found out that the experiences of this past year have been character building in ways I couldn't have imagined.

being solitary is being alone well

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2011 AT 1:12PM

I've been lost in reverie this week as I recalled that this week last year is when we learned that Leslie's cancer had returned.

It was the last week of school for miss A and a quick flight to San Francisco had turned into a road trip because little miss had an ear infection and couldn't fly. I was staying behind, I had a crap load of work to accomplish and needed the solitude of four days alone.

Those four days sucked donkey balls in case you were wondering. Leslie called with her news and M and A were already on the road. The offer to return was appreciated but I declined. I knew I needed them but I also needed to sit in my pain and I needed to do it alone. Who knew it would be the slow beginning to my breakdown, but hindsight is a opportunity for nothing positive in this instance and so I move on.

In a somewhat non-sequitur, (but it really did coalesce nicely in my mind), today on Relish, the question is,

What a-ha moments did you have during the last 12 months? Maybe it was to do with your health, your work, family life or maybe even your past. When did the lightbulb switch on above your head this year?

Without a doubt, my lightbulb moment was when I decided to retire as an acupuncturist. It's been a month since that decision was finally made and while I'm still adjusting, I find myself happier, lighter and more productive than I've been since we landed here in California.

The happier and lighter doesn't jive this week, but generally speaking, it's the overall feeling of the past four weeks. And I have tangible evidence of said productivity, even while I've been  lost.** 

**The ebb and flow that is grief, the living that is to be done after your loved one has passed is a trip.

3:20pm

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2011 AT 3:20PM

Do you believe in signs?

When you get a sign, or something auspicious happens, do you acknowledge it or let it slide?

Oh hindsight, you fickle little primadonna! I can look at the last eighteen months since we landed here in Los Angeles and I can see clearly what I overlooked, but I think that it's my way. To ruminate and cling onto what was, even as change whips my face like the wind; the chapped marks clearly delinated, me still reaching for my chapstick or lotion, excuses always lingering.

I want to be the girl that leaps, that takes chances and rides on the seat of her pants. I want to have the blind faith in myself that I remember having decades ago; proving to myself that I didn't have to conform, that I could be me and still take care of myself. 

I clearly remember when I decided that that thinking wasn't going to fly anymore, that I needed to conform in order to take care of myself. I lost faith in the person I was because that was 'impulsive', and 'not responsible', and it certainly didn't seem to pay the bills. 

Slowly, now that I've accepted my retirement, (grin), and am figuring it out, (snort), I see her. I see me squished beside the paradigm of the roles I've assumed to earn a living and it feels good. 

december views :: this morning

RIDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2011 AT 4:30PM

8:07am

8:10am

8:16am

december views

Every year for the past five years, (hard to believe it's been 5 years!), I've played along with Darlene for December Views. I love December Views because it allows me to speak the language of imagery, telling a tale of where I am at that moment.

This year, I want to extend the 30 days of Gratitude from November into the remainder of the year. I want to color my world with everything that I have to be thankful for right here and now, especially those unexpected moments when your world suddenly includes something that makes you smile. 

Like the detour this morning because of road work that lead me to the street where this pink ladder was waiting under a lemon tree.