I've been going through archives lately, both here as I add old posts from Squarespace, and also on Blurb, as I make a book from a blog that was active from 2007-2009.
I've been reading as I edit and remembering. There's my first time going to Squam and how I began to see myself again. We were renovating our home back east at the time, and there are countless stories of my beana when she was little. There was a lot of learning as she transitioned from a toddler into a school aged girl. (And it's amazing to read it all now as she transitions from little girl to teen.)
It has been good for me to re-read where I've been, if only to solidify a decision I made recently that took a lot of time and attention, (ok, and a fair share of self torture too), until I'd accepted the conclusion I'd arrived at long before I actually said the words,
"I'm not going to Squam this Fall."
And really, the decision was made for me when we bought our new home. A plane ticket back east isn't cheap, especially when we realized there were no air miles available for my ticket.* Backing out of my registration was all very tidy with the real excuse of having to watch our pennies now that we're home owners again, but the truth behind all of that is that I'm not ready for a retreat like Squam.
Don't get me wrong, Squam is amazing. That lake and those cabins are spectacular. There's a flurry of bats at dusk and the call of the loons after dark. Falling stars drop from the sugar dusted sky, and there's the tranquility of tree breathing and feeling at one with nature that is met in those woods. And yet, that sort of stimulation, (a big retreat, lots of people), feels utterly overwhelming. I doubt my heart and psyche would withstand the experience, (dramatic I know), but also a truth.
The next time I attend art camp anywhere, I need to feel solid from where I stand. I'm getting there without pressure, trusting my instincts, instead of talking myself out of what I need.
*Turns out, I can fly to London using air miles on a non-stop flight, one month later in October. So essentially, it's more cost effective for me to fly to Europe than back east. Where's the logic in that, other than ohai, I'm going to London in October!!!