I'm impatient for change that only I can bring about. Once implemented, I find myself seeking outward signs, encouragement really, that I'm on the right track again. I talk myself down throughout my day; recalling that I didn't arrive here overnight and it will take just as long to get back. It is what it is.
There's so much to tell you, but it must wait. Everything feels like it's on hold, (again), but that doesn't mean that everything needs to be on hold.
I've definitely been in a hover state, like the helicopter I once saw suspended over the ocean; working out maneuvers for some sort of law enforcement rescue bullshit, that I hope to never have to be a part of. I've been on hold with everything and feeling out of control. Meanwhile, I've always had the power to take myself back and take charge of who I want to be and how I represent.
Life is short and it all goes so quickly. Eight months have passed since she passed and I think about how much my kid has grown, how my hair is now long...life goes on whether I'm participating or not. And even though I have no answers to any of my big questions, I don't have to wait.
I will never control everything. It's a fact that I accept but sometimes have a hard time implementing into my life. Tightly wound, anxiety hums my rhythm like the beat of a hummingbird's wing.
Avoiding fear has me avoiding life to some extent. I've reached a level with the routines in my life that scream, 'boring', and I can muster no energy towards that same old thing.
I'm changing things up. Slowly, and without the fast off the block tendency that leads me to burn-out every time. I'm trying to mix everything up in my day. What I do and don't do, (exercise, cleaning, organizing), and how I can lighten the load emotionally and materially.
I'm no where near having the answers. In fact at the end of this post here, I feel confused and unsure whether I've made any sense, especially to myself. I'm fairly skilled at self-deception painted in pretty colors that attract and distract my attention.