smoke and mirrors

I'm impatient for change that only I can bring about. Once implemented, I find myself seeking outward signs, encouragement really, that I'm on the right track again. I talk myself down throughout my day; recalling that I didn't arrive here overnight and it will take just as long to get back. It is what it is. 

There's so much to tell you, but it must wait. Everything feels like it's on hold, (again), but that doesn't mean that everything needs to be on hold. 

Especially me. 

I've definitely been in a hover state, like the helicopter I once saw suspended over the ocean; working out maneuvers for some sort of law enforcement rescue bullshit, that I hope to never have to be a part of. I've been on hold with everything and feeling out of control. Meanwhile, I've always had the power to take myself back and take charge of who I want to be and how I represent.

Life is short and it all goes so quickly. Eight months have passed since she passed and I think about how much my kid has grown, how my hair is now long...life goes on whether I'm participating or not. And even though I have no answers to any of my big questions, I don't have to wait. 

I will never control everything. It's a fact that I accept but sometimes have a hard time implementing into my life. Tightly wound, anxiety hums my rhythm like the beat of a hummingbird's wing. 

Avoiding fear has me avoiding life to some extent. I've reached a level with the routines in my life that scream, 'boring', and I can muster no energy towards that same old thing. 

I'm changing things up. Slowly, and without the fast off the block tendency that leads me to burn-out every time. I'm trying to mix everything up in my day. What I do and don't do, (exercise, cleaning, organizing), and how I can lighten the load emotionally and materially.

I'm no where near having the answers. In fact at the end of this post here, I feel confused and unsure whether I've made any sense, especially to myself. I'm fairly skilled at self-deception painted in pretty colors that attract and distract my attention. 

list no. 9 :: obsession

Clearly, I have a wee obsession with Polaroid film and hotel swimming pools. These were my favorites in and around Palm Springs last week. 

 

1. Rancho Las Palmas, Rancho Mirage

2. The Ace Hotel, Palm Springs

3. The Viceroy, Palm Springs

4. The Hideaway, Palm Springs

when all else fails

My path unclear,

I leap forward into the unknown.

Fear never far, snapping at my heels for attention,

I jump because looking back has never been an alternative.

vacation had to get away

Palm Springs is even better than I remembered.

I think February is probably the best time of year to be here. It's warm, hot even, but without the blistering heat that beats you down six months out of the year here in the desert.

We chose a kid-friendly hotel, (as opposed to the chic and trendy), complete with water slides and a lazy river. I saw the lazy river and I admit that I scoffed,

"what's the big deal? it doesn't look that great..."

Until I got into an intertube and rode around and around and around. Pretty much one of the best things I've done in awhile, I love a lazy river!

The rest of our days here were spent like this, 

Something I could get used to.

I took a self-guided, drive-by tour of the sights around Palm Springs,

and I fell in love with post-modern architecture all over again.

My photo mojo was off, which I've come to accept as part of the ebb and flow of a creative life. 

It was good to get away.

list no. 8 :: this week

1. It's ski week for miss A and that means California has no money and public schools suffer no school.
2. No school means we're going on a three day getaway to Palm Springs, no. 18 on my list. 
3. Stress and anticipation levels have been off the charts around here. All good, but a change of scenery is needed, with an added side of relaxation. Stat. 
4. Our hotel has a water slide and a lazy river, which means fun for our kid and the kid in me. ( M isn't much of a relaxing poolside kind of guy.) Miss A looked horrified when I said I would be going down the water slide. Yes, we now have the potential to embarrass. Sigh.
5. I'm excited to shoot Palm Springs. All of that post-modern design. Be still my heart. And I've been in a bit of a slump lately, shooting for Polaroid Girls and Words to Shoot By and not much else, so this is going to be good.
6. I've spent far too much time considering what to pack, (both camera gear and clothing), trying not to haul everything with me because I can.
7. And making lists here, of all the things I'd like to see and do.
8. Like thrifting. I've heard there's good stuff to be found in the desert.
9. Perhaps a hike in the living desert, no. 19 on my list.
10. Definitely: book reading, magazine skimming, water sliding and lazy river riding.

those who sing will always find a song

Yesterday she found a book on the book shelf that we'd bought in Amsterdam years ago after we'd toured the Anne Frank Museum.

She started reading it with her friend. 

Later, she asked if the book could be hers, if she took very good care of it.

Today she took it to school, she planned to read during lunch in the library.

The questions that have been asked, 'why were they gassed?' 'what were the chambers like?'

are hard to hear, and even harder to answer.

Some days, parenting is a leap of faith for me, hoping I get those moments that really count right.

list no. 7 :: suggestion box

Life really is beautiful and there is much to be thankful for despite my inane desire to lament.

Therefore, in a desperate attempt to get the fuck over myself, I wrote a list of things I'd like help with from all of you. (Hi, most random things to ride together on a list.)  

1. Camping friends, what tents do you like? Do you own yours, rent one? What should I look for, (I don't like to be cold or wet), and admittedly, I'm a bit of a princess. That said, I've always wanted a tent, and I really need one when I go to Coachella in April.
2. How do you carry your toiletries when you travel? Leonie showed me her amazing bag, purchased in Europe, and so far, I'm not finding anything remotely comparable. What I'm looking for is a medium bag that zips, preferrably with a pocket inside and waterproof. I have these great bottles (also a suggestion from Leonie), so I'm looking for a bag that can be carried onto the plane if necessary, but also sturdy enough to withstand being checked.
3. If there was a smaller bag that holds makeup, even better. 
4. What do you pack when you travel? I like jeans but they're bulky and I always pack too much or my entire vacation wardrobe will be black because it's so easy.
5. Do you have a Kindle or some sort of reading device? Even if you're the girl that adores books, and magazines, really,  anything in print, how do you like to travel and read?
6. Camera gear. How do you travel with yours?
7. Any suggestions on a tarot deck you like? I had a circular set when I was in college and I loved those cards...wonder if I could find them again...

list no. 6 :: calm blue ocean

1. I've been quiet around here, living life this past week at a desperate clip. Frantic to pack up our life, (all food, spices, toiletries), so our rental home could be bombed for termites. 
2. A commonality in the beach towns, apparently this kind of gas leaves no trace, no need to wash your belongings, although honestly, hot water does wonders.
3. Being somewhat unplugged and also noticing that a few friends have really unplugged, (from all social media), I've noticed what Facebook et al does to my new operating system. In my somewhat fragile state, I see that I spent most of January in a state of I don't know what. 
4. Depressed, (at times), snarky, (almost always), pent up and inert. Taking care of my family and not much else interspersed with pockets exploding with real joy and fun. 
5. Moving my body again has helped. 
6. So has the passing of this termite bombing hurdle that had me fretting over all the what if's and what should I take and eewww, gas in my house for bugs. 
7. I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening after we've moved back into our termite townhouse and I head off to LAX to collect my favorite Kiwi friends from leg one of their holiday adventure. 
8. I'm thrilled to have them here for few days in Los Angeles before they fly out Thursday evening. We'll have a bit of sight-seeing, beach sitting, and dinner out on Wednesday evening like proper adults.