when you need more than a good quote

I had an acupuncture treatment on Tuesday. "Call me when you need me again..." she said last August and it wasn't until over the holidays that I began to feel the pull. An intuitive practitioner, there are crystals under all of the treatment tables and her way of helping me has always been based on healing the mental that is creating the physical. 

Renewed of faith and on the mend from physical symptoms that arose from all the stress of the holidays, I scheduled a return visit for next week, knowing that a few treatments will gently set me back on my way. 

These days I find myself looking, searching really, for something tangible. My acupuncturist described me as a girl in transition; closing big doors and accepting loss, (no longer practicing acupuncture), inside of losing my sister. 

My lady of the needles focused her intention with my treatment on forward movement and you all know how I love to toot on that horn. As much as change scares me, it's stagnation that terrifies. Complacency out of necessity is one thing, but choosing it because it's the path of least resistance is not living, at least for me. And now I realize that I was going through the motions of becoming licensed here in California because I didn't know what else to do.

Because I am a do-er. As much as I love being a mother, it has never been my dream to stay at home to raise her and tend my family. I like to work. Earning my own money fills me with pride and I've felt lost ever since I declared my intention to retire. My not working here in California was always temporary until that moment it wasn't any longer. 

I am not complaining. I'm lucky to be in this position and I like that this is my biggest worry. But here it is: it's the free-floating ideas that keep me up at night. My dreams and desires for myself and my family seem too much to ask for, so I keep them inside, holding them close to the vest, when all I'm really doing is making excuses out of safety nets. 

Comments

[amy]

jump, the net will still be under you when you land. i promise.

[Kim]

There aren't even words for how much I needed to read this today, and probably have needed to read it for weeks. I'm glad it was waiting for me in my reader. And I want you to know there is a very important letter that I am sending off tonight, partially because this post gave me a kick.

I can't eradicate complacency all at once--it has long been my bff--but I can do a little something.